A year ago today I had a gut-wrenching day.
Gut-wrenching in the literal term. I had no idea if I would be a widow by morning or not. Oh, I had hope. And I had prayer, fervent prayer that it would be "not" for the answer.
Never have I prayed so hard, or felt so connected to God.
I had no way to help, except though prayer.
I had no one to turn to who could actually comfort me, except God.
Oh, I had friends and family praying and surrounding me with love. But none of them could say 100% that he would come home. Only going to God would give me hope.
For years I have struggled with prayer. I didn't believe that God would actually listen to me. I hoped He would; I hoped Jesus would want to intercede for me. But I think deep down I doubted my petty prayers would be heard among the masses God must hear daily.
But on 9/25 last year, I had no doubt. I knew He heard me. I knew in my inmost heart that He was with me. I held on to my Bible and read and reread Psalm 121:
I lift my eyes up to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
The Lord watches over you,
the Lord will keep you from all harm—I am thankful now a year later, that the answer and the outcome was the one I wanted. It isn't always so with prayer. God isn't a Santa Claus granting our every wish or desire.
I have come at prayer differently these days. I know God loves me and wants to hear from me, and wants to bless me; and yet also wants to help me grow, which often means difficult things may come my way. I'm okay with that. I know He will be with me no matter what. I knew last year that He would be with me if the outcome would have been different. I knew I would give Him glory no matter what.
Sometimes it's good to look back and see what has changed and where we've been.
Sometimes it's better to look ahead and hope for what is yet to come.